Just some atmosphere

Here I am. Ready for a new week, for a busy week. Insecure of all that is ahead, all that needs to be done, all the people I´ll meet. Telling myself it will be great, it will be fun, things are interesting and people are nice. Again, it´s like two sides of me are here, other one giving up again, just feeling exhausted, tired, needing rest and attention, other one knowing there´s no other way than just go, do, see, meet, work and live. I just need to and I will. Why then so often I feel like not to?

And it´s okay to feel tired sometimes, it´s okay to feel like not doing things or whatever. But I notice that in my head it´s not okay. Right away when I feel like using my tiredness as a reason for not doing something I feel like that´s not a real reason. I feel like people start think: she´s not hardworking, she´s not an easy person, she needs attention and pampering.
For me it would be easier to break a leg or get a really bad flue (for three weeks, please), then I would have a REAL reason for this tiredness. Now I´m just simply tired. All the time. Some moments I get enthusiastic over something, or I can laugh with people, but more increasingly I feel the opposite.

It´s a result of many years of being all over the place, being responsible and insecure of oneself at the same time, being here and there, carrying things and people. (And this is not to say: look, what a wonderful person I am.) And now I´ve reached my limit. I´m shrinking. It´s someone else´s time to be responsible, to be here and there. Let the world run on it´s own, I´m off the game. It´s my time to rest for a while.